Breathe Again
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: Until that moment, none of it seemed real./Oneshot. Addek preseries.


**Author's Note: **I'm not kidding when I tell you this thing basically wrote itself. You see, after getting Sara Bareilles' new album I sort of fell in love with it and the song that inspired this fic grabbed my heart and refused to let go.

There's a chance some Grey's history might be changed here but I don't think so. It's basically that moment that I wish we could've seen because yes, I know the flashback we saw a few seasons ago, but this one is...well, different. A bit angsty but I'd like to think it reflects the feelings that were still there. Even if a relationship that long is ended, you can't just rip it away and not expect any pain right? GAH.

Dedicated to Cara, mostly because she's the biggest Addek fan I know but also because she's awesome. That and, well, she didn't tell me to shut up (at least to my face) when I ranted while writing or listening to "Breathe Again" about a million times while writing this.

* * *

The wood of the porch was cool against her feet as Addison watched Derek carry out another box. Sighing, she drew a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her eyes. "Is that the last one?"

Her voice was barely above a whisper but the question still rang clear. "It's enough for now."

Addison wrapped an arm around her waist as she watched him walk to the car. In the late afternoon sunlight the diamond on her ring sparkled and she felt tears spring forward in her eyes. _How did we let it get this far? _

Derek slammed the trunk shut with more force than was needed. He brushed his hands on his jeans; the ones _she _argued against him buying. His eyes glanced back at the brownstone he no longer called home and at the woman leaning against the open front door. She looked so...small he supposed, in the grand scheme of things. A shell of who she used to be.

Everything that happened all came down to that moment. All of the arguments, all of the slammed doors. All of the confessions and hurt feelings, starting with him finding her in bed with Mark. She hadn't told Derek that she was still battling with what to do in regards to that particular situation and now that he was headed to Seattle there was no need to.

He looked crumpled and perhaps a little sad she thought, but angry and finished just the same. The steel blue in his eyes was solid and firm as she wanted to reach out to him, cementing him in the same place because until he drove away there was still a chance. _Maybe..._

"I guess I should get going. Richard said he wants me there as soon as possible." Derek spoke, his words sounding so finite and sure it surprised even himself.

When he stepped back onto the porch, Addison nearly jumped. She hadn't expected him to come so close, let alone actually do so intentionally.

Dry lips parted, a million worries and thoughts of anger seeping from every inch of his body. He wasn't angry anymore if he was being honest. Bitter? Of course. Betrayed? Most definitely and it was something he knew he'd struggle with for quite some time. Sad? In a way. What Derek felt more than anything as he stood just a foot away from Addison was a dull ache compacted by the utter sense of loss. He'd known the moment he saw her with Mark there was no way they'd be able to repair their relationship, regardless of how much she said she wanted to. "I'd tell you I'll call you once I get there but I don't want to lie."

"Okay." Addison whispered, daring to push the word through the wall of tears that were coming on fast. The arm wrapped around her waist gripped the frayed sleeve of her shirt for dear life. She was afraid to move or say much else for fear that she-that they, really-would fall apart.

Until that moment, none of it seemed real.

Derek surprised her when he reached out to brush a tear from her cheek. Though he had no way of knowing, it took every ounce of strength within her to not return the gesture. "Goodbye, Addison."

She closed her eyes with a nod, not trusting her voice to remain stable. Even though everything was partially her fault Addison couldn't help but feel sad at knowing their relationship was over despite her own desperate attempt to save it. Maybe it was something she deserved, to be left alone after everything she did to him, but it didn't make letting go any less painful. She felt something shudder inside upon watching him turn to walk away. "Derek."

He spun on his heel just as he reached the bottom step. Wordlessly, his eyes asked the question his mouth wouldn't.

Her lips twitched, faltering each time she tried to say something..._anything_, that would make him stay a moment longer. "Be safe."

Quickly, Derek nodded before tilting his head in the direction of the driveway and heading for the car. He started the engine and shut the car door, and without even looking back again he pulled away.

The sob she was fighting so hard to keep inside slipped from somewhere deep within and she felt hollow and empty. It wasn't until she saw his taillights slip around the corner that she dared turn around and head back inside.

Mindlessly, her fingers ran across the quilt draped across the back of the sofa. It was a present from his mother one Christmas or another and even though the actual year is insignificant Addison felt frustrated because she couldn't remember.

It was as she started walking further into the living room that she started recalling other things. They rarely used the room anymore but in the earlier years of their marriage they would spend cold winter nights curled up next to the fire place or sharing (and, in one case, spilling) a glass of wine. _But that was a lifetime ago, _Addison thought, _and the last time we were in here together we fought._

About her. About Mark. About _them_ to be more specific, because there was no way to avoid it.

Addison walked to the fireplace, smiling sadly as she gazed at the photos she'd meticulously arranged on the mantle. If a stranger were to walk in they would've thought the people that lived there were happy.

There was one of Derek and his father from when he was young. Another was of them both, along with Savvy and Weiss at some hospital benefit a year or two before. The pictures made her feel nostalgic but nothing could've prepared her for her own reaction upon seeing one of their wedding photos. Her mouth was open, eyes sparkling with the evidence of laughter as Derek lovingly wiped mint green icing away from her mouth. It was a happy moment in time captured by none other than Derek's best man.

The thought caused her hands to grip the frame tightly. She couldn't have ignored the involuntary flipping of her stomach if she tried and it was a bitter feeling at the same time, because she shouldn't be feeling that way. At least not about him. No one but Derek.

Fuming, Addison took the frame in one hand and hurled it across the room, reveling in the sound of glass shattering in a thousand pieces as it hit the ground. Another cry escaped and she covered her mouth with one hand, backing away from the mess she created until her back hit the wall.

She slid down until she hit the floor, dissolving and giving into the pain and letting it take over, not caring how loud her cries were or how hard it hurt. Time passed and for a while she couldn't breathe. With her forehead pressed against her knees, Addison closed her eyes and let the feelings out; the ones for the husband she still loved that was on his way across the country and for the man who had helped her tear that apart.

The room was dark by the time she regained composure. Without even looking she knew her face would be puffy and red so she felt grateful they never bothered with putting a mirror in the living room. Addison dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt before leaning against the wall and slowly standing up, letting the darkness of the room surround her.

Only a pale sliver of light from the streetlamp outside the brownstone illuminated the room as she searched for a box of matches and lit a single candle, choosing to not turn on any of the lamps in the room. She sat down on the sofa and pulled the quilt off the back, running its frayed edges through her fingers as she watched shadows from the flame flicker across the wall.

She wondered, not for the first time, where Derek was in his trip across the country.

In the morning she'd grab a broom and pick up the mess, but for the moment she was content in being still and just breathing until she knew what to do again.


End file.
